Over the Misty Mountains Cold

17 Feb

“(Gandalf said) ‘But I have no time to blow smoke-rings this morning. I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone.’

‘I should think so– in these parts! We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I can’t think what anybody sees in them,’ said our Mr. Baggins…”

The Hobbit, chapter one.

Today I am a girl, newly married and transplanted to the small city of Southern Pines, NC. I have no job and few prospects, only a little working experience, and today I am very much like Bilbo in the beginning of the Hobbit. I am afraid of my life and the stillness of it all but I am terrified of what my life will be if I pray for adventure and then step out the front door. For many months I’ve spent my private time in prayer, asking for guidance and bravery– asking to recognize when my moment comes, and honestly, I am still looking for that moment.

Shortly before my wedding in October, I made plans to go to grad school for Library Science and in January, I started those classes. When I got there, though, I found my instructors unprofessional and my classes without structure or discipline. I cried but I withdrew from the university and applied to a different school for the Fall. Now with my acceptance letter in hand, I find myself wondering if it maybe isn’t meant to be. Maybe I am unemployed and unhappy in school because I am pursuing the wrong journeys. I feel like I’ve failed– failed to see some sign or to open my heart to the right desires.

Now? Now I’m fed up with myself and all of my waiting. I am asking, almost aggressively, for an answer to my questions taking the form of, “Now what?” I’ve made a list of things I want to do for myself this year, not as resolutions, but I am definitely resolute.

1. Learn to knit and crochet
2. Find gym and get on a schedule for exercise
3. Get a hot body by June for my husband’s tacking-on (Yes, I do like to be arm candy. What of it?)
4. Walk the dogs more often
5. Find the right hairstyle
6. Find a fulfilling job
7. Work my way into grad school
8. Honeymoon! (We still haven’t had one.)
9. Start a book club for twenty-somethings.
10. Go to church more often.
11. Make true friends.
12. Make my rental into a home.
13. Get published! (I’m a writer, after all.)
14. Write 3 new short stories or essays.
15. Make more time for gaming. (Did I mention I’m a nerd?)
16. Keep in touch with long-distance friends.
17. Get one World of Warcraft character to level 85. (Outstanding, right?)
18. Make more time for reading.
19. Start a blog. (Riiiight?)

Nineteen goals, personal and professional, and I’m going to pursue them all. (So, help me God! I mean it, Big Guy. Are you listening?) This is the heart of me and the heart of this blog. It’s about finding myself– my whole, unique self. Maybe you can do some finding yourself right along with me (because aren’t we all invited on this adventure?!). What are your goals? Where do you feel you are in them? Are you just starting, nervous and excited like me? Are you in the middle, exhausted and apathetic? Are you like Mr. Baggins, uncertain if you even want an adventure and afraid of what it means? Are you whole?

God, may I find you as I journey to find myself. For there is no happiness in the end of the journey if it is not the one you’ve wanted me to start. I do not wish to be successful if the end result is like crumpled paper compared to your vision. Give me a map, or if not a map, a signal, or if not a signal, a heart to continue until I find one. May my spirit be intrepid.

Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, ere break of day,
To find our long-forgotten gold.

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2 Responses to “Over the Misty Mountains Cold”

  1. Melody February 17, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

    I went through almost the exact same “soul searching” at a few years ago. Thats when I realized that being a photographer was truly what I wanted to do. I found my calling so to speak. But your echoing my own thoughts and feelings back then. Maybe writing is your calling. You certainly have a way with words. Whatever it may be, I’ll be following your journey and rooting from the sidelines. 🙂

    • Intrepid Girl February 17, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

      Thank you, Mel! I’m cheering for you too!

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